my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
