Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She bit a glass in half.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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