Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
