Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
