Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We smell like vodka and hangover
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
