I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize