I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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