We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
