STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
