someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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