You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
