if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize