Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm like, not good at living.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
