wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
