I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
