And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
