You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
