rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
