I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
