We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
