when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
