nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Semen is not good for contacts.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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