bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
