So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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