My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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