I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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