I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
