Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
