Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
