...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
