wanna go halves on a baby?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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