he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He called his prostate his "boner button".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
