It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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