Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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