cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I could make wine with my vomit
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
