Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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