I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
