You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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