Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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