Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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