just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize