He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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