I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize