They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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