There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize