that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
