someone threw a dead crab at me
Your tits are I can't wait for
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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