sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
