I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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