I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
