You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
