i may or may not be watching the land before time
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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