Already got asked if we're dating
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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