matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
