I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hippo gnu deer
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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