one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
