I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
