A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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