Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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