The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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