then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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