Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
