where am i from again
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize